Monday, January 30, 2006the ketchup songWell, heres some things I meant to post, but never got around to. What can you do. Heres a page out of my sister's botany book. I find it quite ridiculous that smut, stinkhorn and puffballs appear together. I saw this while I was in Fresno. It would be really ironic and sad if someone burned it down. For Halloween, I was Napoleon Dynamite's chunky evil twin, and my friend Jason was Kip. This was just a cool picture from camping. It all started out innocently enough, but some things go wrong when you forget to bring mixing cups for my Crown and water. This may be the closest I ever get to having a cell phone. Hair is kind of a funny thing. Why isn't it socially acceptable to have big, bushy hair these days? The 7th annual 12 bars of christmas went off without a hitch in December. Probably the best part was seeing Puff Daddy on Sunset and giving him a commemorative T-Shirt. That, or the perfectly executed Rusty Trombone that came later in the evening. [Definition] Anyway, better late than never, yeah? posted @ 10:18 PM PDT [link] [41 Comments] Tuesday, January 17, 2006cinema paradisoSaw Hostel tonight. Here's a tip. Go for the first 20 minutes. I kid you not I saw about 23 different boobs in that timeframe (thats 11 and a half pairs, for those of you that count boobs that way). After that it just got gross. About an hour in they through in 2 or 3 more boobs, but it was too little too late. posted @ 11:05 PM PDT [link] [88 Comments] Sunday, January 15, 2006consequencesEverything you put in to your body has consequences. Of course, quantity and orifice play a role in what happens, but the most important factor in determining the consequence of a particular insertion is the makeup of the actual item. Alot of what goes into me is Taco Bell (but don't worry, my body is primarily a nation of exports). I was wondering what issues, if any, would arise from primary injestion of such foods. So I did my homework and sent away for the nutritional facts. What I received was the following: Taco Bell strives to provide its customers with quality food at a good value. However, as with any food, a small portion of the population may experience negative side effects. Taco Bell has been known to cause elephantitis of the ass and nuts in labratory testing of animals. Now I don't know about the ass part, but the nuts part is assuredly true. Ever since I had my first 1/2 lb Bean Burrito Especial with green sauce and extra creamy jalapeno sauce I have noticed an increase in both quality and quantity of nuts. After a 6 month steady diet, I can safely say that my nuts have reached the size of balls of hail from places that have big balls of hail, like Wyoming. So unfortunately, this side-effect has struck me hard. Not only have I had to purchase a larger size of onederwear but I have been unable to participate in my usual games of sport such as sword fighting and sudoku. If you or a friend are in need of some spare nuts (maybe from a horrible factory accident, or recently married) please let me know and I will see what I can do to help. Had I known about these potential side-effects earlier, this could have been avoided. Always be sure to read the label. posted @ 12:35 PM PDT [link] [57 Comments] Sunday, October 30, 2005life's little disappointmentsI will probably never hear someone engage in a fight by saying "Whatchu gonna do with all that foot in yo ass, in yo ass" to the tune of My Humps (Black Eyed Peas). Just because bed linens at macys are from the hotel collection does not mean they come with preapplied bodily fluids. A person that plays the trombone is a trombonist, not a tromboner. posted @ 07:17 PM PDT [link] [1029 Comments] Wednesday, October 19, 2005movingSo Steve and I decided that we'd had enough of our current living situation and we decided to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and get a move on to better things...in short, we decided to switch rooms. Moving a few feet seemed like a funny concept, like the kind of thing you'd see in a hilarious sitcom. The day started innocently enough, with Steve coming by my room early to help with the move. I, of course, was ready in my moving day attire, and offered a similar setup to my dear pal. He politely declined. Moving was certainly going to be a bear, so I thought a little music would be in order. I have a buddy who gets some good beats from the clubs on Mykonos, so I decided to throw some of those in. And it was moving day, (whoo!), so you gotta have margaritas! Still, I just couldn't get Steve into the spirit. Finally, after a couple drinks and a little coaxing, he came around. In fact, he might have gotten a little too into it, because it became difficult to move furniture. Anyway, so that was moving day. I'm now in my new room and its every bit as messy as the last. It was funny, because the preparation for the photoshoot probably took more time than the actual move (and it is damn near impossible to find bandanas in winter time). This writeup was for mimsie, who asked what plum smugglers were. Take a look at the pictures and use your imagination. Some parting outtakes: You never know when the timer will go off What the hell happened to me Luckily Steve used brown eye reduction posted @ 11:58 PM PDT [link] [123 Comments] Friday, October 7, 2005motivationsSo, let me start by apologizing to all the people of Iowa that I have offended. The barrage of nasty emails and anthrax letters have changed my opinion of the state. Actually, the motivating factor for the post was that someone from Iowa asked me to update my blog, so I did. I actually had fun writing it. I don't really like talking about myself that much, so thats why lately the blog thing has been so blank. But if someone wants me to write something, give me a topic and I'll do it. Just shoot me an email. Kinda reminds me of this site, which is hilarous. Anyway, have a great day! posted @ 08:10 AM PDT [link] [697 Comments] Saturday, October 1, 2005let me tell you what i think of the 29th stateSo the other day I was thinking to myself...if I were to completely eliminate one state from our great nation, which would I choose? And then it came to me in a vision late at night...IOWA. Granted, I've never been to the place, and for all I know it might be filled with wonderful people, and not the shifty, long haired, plum smuggler-wearing bastards that I've come to imagine. Now first off, let me just say that after a little research on that hog-exporting, manure-manufacturing excuse for a state I came to discover (much to my dismay) that it derives its name from Ioway, the French word for the Indians that lived in the area. Let me repeat this for full impact...THE MOTHER F'N FRENCH. Can you believe that? But were the people of Iowa satisfied with that? Hell no. They had to go and take it one step further and make their state flag the same as France. Of course, they tried to disguise it a bit by slapping some picture of a flying chicken on the damn thing, but anyone smart enough to not live in Iowa saw right through that little rouse. Its damn insulting I tell you. And you might think that French blood died out a long time ago, but no...those Iowans wouldn't let it go. They even elected ol' Vilsack in as governer, which I'm not sure is a French name, but it almost rhymes with Ball Sack, so I'll let you be the judge. I wish that was where the genitals references ended, but the place is affectionately known by those within as the Hawkeye state, which also rhymes with Cockeye. At least I know what a cockeye is...why did they have to go and make up a word like Hawkeye? And let me tell you something else about those unoriginal bastards...they have a state song. You know what its entitled? "The Song of Iowa". Now I don't know if theres any woods in that god forsaken dirt field of a state, but what backwoods inbred hick thought that was the best title? Anyway, to all those out there who were unfortunate enough to get puked out of your mothers worthless belows in the 29th state, iowa you a punch in the groin, and "To yonder sunset’s purpling line", f you.  posted @ 09:56 PM PDT [link] [3345 Comments] |
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